Sunday, June 12, 2011

Having a Rough Day

Today marks 2 years since we lost my Mom to lung cancer.  I'm sort of surprised at how much this is affecting me today.  I'm walking around in a fog, feeling like a wet dish towel.  I wonder if this is what it feels for people who suffer from clinical depression, because I honestly had ZERO motivation to do anything today.

I've been tearing up throughout the day today.

I didn't even cry on the day she died.  She was sick for 15 months and when she finally let go and took her last breath, it was almost a relief for her to no longer be in pain.  I hated to see her suffer and felt confident she was headed to a wonderful place.  That doesn't take away from the fact that I want to pick up the phone DAILY and tell her about stuff going on in my life.

I was trying to figure out why I didn't feel this bad last year, on the one year anniversary, and then I remembered.  My entire extended family did a lung cancer walk in honor of my mom on that day.  What a great way that was to honor her, and take our minds off our grief.  The love and positive energy was amazing.  We had fun.

This year I'm hundreds of miles away from my extended family and I'm feeling it.

Mom taught me so many lessons.  She was a very practical, common sense kind of woman.  She wasn't perfect but I can tell you without a doubt that she loved her kids and grandchildren with ALL of her heart.  That's one thing we never doubted, ever.  She lived for 69 years, and that wasn't nearly enough.

My kids remember my Mom, but I wasn't sure how to address the whole 'anniversary' of when she died idea.  So I took them out for ice cream today and we talked about how Mema loved vanilla ice cream, and she would have loved to be there with us today.  My little one held up her cone to the sky and said "here you go Mema!".  God, she kills me.  Good thing I was wearing sun glasses.

I'm pretty sure my Mom would have been pissed off that I had weight loss surgery.  I'm also pretty sure that she'd be proud of me for losing more than 50 pounds.  She never got to see me at my current weight, an all time low.  She would be smiling for sure.  Seeing her die so young was one of the motivations for me to do something about my weight.  I want my kids to have me for more than 37 years.

I really didn't think I'd blog about this today.  I realized that I needed to just get it out, even if nobody reads it, at least I got it out.

Sorry for the bummer post.  I hope all you lovely readers have a great night.

7 comments:

Stephanie M. said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. I'm sending lots of virtual hugs. XOXO

Dawnya said...

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I'm so glad your kiddos remember you mom. And your little one is my hero for offering Mema some icecream.

Sending you out tons of virtual hugs.

Ronnie said...

I think this is an important thing to blog about, it's good to remember your lost loved ones. *hugs!*

Jody V said...

I agree with Ronnie. You needed to express your feelings. I'm always in a funk on the day that marks one of my parents death. I like that you went out in her honor. That's great!

Justawallflower said...

I kind of went through the same thing this month with my grandfather's anniversary. I also did not cry when he passed. He was miserable for years. I KNOW he is in a better place, but I got really, really emotional on his anniversary this year. I'm glad you chose to blog about it. I am sure you found that it helped a lot, even if it didn't bring her back. So sorry for your pain.

FitBy40 said...

Thanks for all your support ladies! I feel the love !

Beth Ann said...

I know I'm late, but sending big hugs to you. Losing a parent is hard. No matter your age, the circumstances...it is hard. I'm glad you found a way to celebrate her life! HUGS!!