However, if we focus on the positive, it might not be so bad.
The scale is up. My pants are tight. I feel super fat.
As much as I had myself convinced that I could handle this without the band, it's HARD, and only getting harder.
But if I compare my weight today to the weight I was before my band slip and surgery, it's only a few pounds. Not really so bad in the grand scheme of things.
I'm trying desperately NOT to compare todays weight to my 'super sick/slipped band/unable to eat anything' weight. That's just not realistic.
I know very well that there's no way I could go from not eating at all, to eating normally, and not gain weight. It's just not possible. Even though I'm eating tons of veggies and other healthy things, it's still food, which equals calories, which my body needs, so I try to accept that and not freak out.
That in and of itself, is a daily struggle.
I'm trying to tell myself that a few pounds of healthy eating is way better than being sick, with my body starving for nutrients.
That's focusing on the positive.
In other positive news:
- I haven't had a drop of alcohol since the week before Christmas. I was never a big drinker in the first place but I've cut it out completely for now because I don't want the empty calories.
- I've only had chocolate once since the week before Christmas, and that was a handful of M&M's. Chocolate is a big trigger food for me so I'm staying away, for now, until I feel more in control of my life and my weight.
- I haven't eaten any of the junk that is provided to us at work. My employer has a kitchen stocked full of very dangerous convenience foods that is free for the taking. I bring my lunch and avoid the goodies like the plague.
- I still don't eat bread, pasta, or rice. Those were the things I couldn't eat with the band because I couldn't tolerate them. Even though I can eat anything now without a problem, I figure I've lived without those things for 3+ years, why add them back in now.
- Well, we did go out for sushi as a family on Monday night and of course my sushi roll was wrapped in a thin layer of rice, but that's the one and only time I've had it, so I might be a liar if you count that against me! Sushi is super healthy. I ordered the same amount of food as my kids, and was completely satisfied.
- I'm doing a Family Fitness program at the gym with my kiddos. Hubby joins us during the Saturday sessions, and I take them by myself during the week. A few of us members with young children were asked if we were interested in getting involved in a new group fitness class for families. It's brand new and still in the pilot stages, so they want us to take it for 5 weeks and then report to corporate what we thought of the program. I jumped at the chance!
- Not only could I always use more exercise, but my oldest daughter has super high cholesterol and needs to incorporate more exercise into her daily routine. Win-Win.
- That means on the days that we have this class, I'm doing 2 workouts. I go in the morning for my regular classes, and then go back at night with the kids. A little extra cardio never hurts. And let me tell you, the family class is INTENSE. It's no walk in the park.
- I'm doing a yoga DVD almost every morning at home. The sessions are only 15 min. each so sometimes I do 30 min. eliptical first, then the yoga DVD. The movements seems so simple and gentle, but that first week my shoulders were so sore! It's definitely doing something.
So, I know I'm doing many things that are good and positive. I'm healthier and stronger than I was before. It's just hard no to focus on the darn number on the scale. We're leaving for Florida in a month and I want to feel comfortable in my bathing suit!
I'm trying. Every day. It's just hard.
So, just for today, I promise to focus on the positive.